Early morning greetings

It was a restless night last night. Josette was up a midnight, 3:00 and 5:30. While I'm exhausted, I cannot complain. Her being awake means eating and pooping. Both great things for a premie.

With lack of resources comes competence. Josette would be in a NICU back home probably with all sorts of tubes and nurses and doctors. Here in Haiti - she's got me. Just a mom.

Last night I took a much needed shower. As I was turning the water on I could hear her crying. It was a hard shower to take, but the funk must come off. I'll admit - I didn't speed up the shower to get out to her. Oh the guilt. But the water felt so good as it washed away 24-hours worth of sweat.

When I got dressed and walked into the common area, she was gone. I was looking around when Nicki said, "I've got your baby." My baby.

While I am tired each time she cries, I joyfully wake up to feed her. At the 3:00 feeding I was zoning out a bit. When I looked back down at her, she was looking right into my eyes. I find it amazing. Here's a baby with a head just bigger than the size of my fist, and she's looking right at me. It was at that moment that I realized...she's the one.

I didn't think it would happen, but it did. It's her beautiful eyes. The way she grunts while falling asleep. What she feels like as she's resting her tiny head on my chest - after letting out the loudest burp. In my head I call her Josie. Josie Marie.

I'm in love. Completely, totally, 100% in love. She is the one I will think about all day and night when I'm back home. She is the one who will keep me wondering. She is the one that makes me wish I was the one at home full-time. I'll clean up after her, wake up with her and go to all of her appointments and I promise to never complain.

I wish you could hear her right now. I'm in a different room but can hear her grunting. Grunting = poop. That makes me stop crying - and start smiling.

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On a much lighter note...I shaved off all my mosquito bites last night. It wasn't on purpose, of course. I thought it would be nice to shave. When I got out of the shower my legs were bleeding. TMI but you're on this journey with me, remember? I am so attractive right now I can't even tell you. My pasty white legs are filled with red dots. I tried so hard last night to not scratch but couldn't stop. Which only added to the attractiveness.

You ever put bug spray on shaved off mosquito bites? Kinda stings a bit. I've got it all over my body, yet they keep biting. These are super-strength mosquitos down here. Anti-Malaria tablet, do your trick.

I was cold last night. Actually pulled a sheet over my legs. I think that means I'm getting used to the heat. I had two fans on me last night. My battery operated dream - which is still running strong - and an electric one which was at my feet. I found out that the generator was upgraded and we can use fans all night. One extra fan and I got cold. That makes me giggle. (I'm certainly not cold now!)

I can't forget to tell you what to expect if you come down here! Here goes:
* You can expect to be overwhelmed and feel helpless.
* You will be hotter than you ever imagined you could handle.
* Most likely, your stomach would get the rage. It happens to most.
* Expect to cry when you see the poverty. It's worse than you expect.
* Know that you're going to be eaten up by mosquitos - and pray that your meds work.
* You will be covered with snot, pee, sweat, dirt and funk. And it will all happen before 8am.
* Expect to be frustrated at the amount of crying - knowing there's nothing you can do about it.
* You will be moved to tears at many things - hugs, cuddles, Haitian women singing, little arms reaching up to you wanting to be held.
* You will find a new sense of purpose and all that stuff back home won't matter.
* God will be everywhere you look.
* You will see the most amazing sunrises, and the most beautiful sunsets.
* Expect some interesting food. Who knows, you might actually like goat.
* Cockroaches and geckos will be your friends.
* The strangest things will make you giggle, and if you're like me you'll cry for no reason at all.

I consider this to be the most amazing experience of my life. I promised Jason I wouldn't come home broken. I really don't think I will be - I'm stronger than you'd imagine. I know that I'll come back on a mission - with a long list of items I'm going to ask people to donate, that I'll buy myself, and that I'll find resources for. And after lots of soul-searching and thinking, I just may ask Jason if he'd consider bringing Josette home. My baby.