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Monday, April 23, 2012

I had to stop

Hi little girl.  You've been on my mind a lot today.  It's really not different from any other day.

I asked COTP what size you're wearing, knowing that many of the items in your dresser won't fit anymore.  I knew that at some point I'd need to go through everything and take out the smaller sizes.  Thankfully everything is hand-me-downs and whatever doesn't fit will be shipped to Haiti for your friends to wear.

Today I decided to tackle your dresser.  There are such cute things in there waiting for you.  As I went through the first drawer, item by item, I was excited when I came across something that might still fit.  And I got a little sadder each time I had to take out something that's too small.

And then...I had to stop.  My heart started hurting too much.

It's hard to explain this to people.  The range of emotions, the tears at random moments, the fact that I'm living this whole other world in my head.  This world that tries to be in the here-and-now but never ever stops thinking about you.  Longing for you to be home.

Don't get me wrong, sweet girl.  Life is really good right now.  Your daddy is doing really well.  Your big brother and big sister are healthy and happy and loving school.  There's just...this hole.  In my heart.  In my world.

I know that you love the nannies and all of your friends there.  And I know that it's going to be a transition - from the heat and the brown faces and the Creole and the meals you're used to.

But my heart is ready.

I just want you home.

4 comments:

  1. The heartache of separation from your child is a living, breathing reality. We, too, walked through a lengthy Haitian adoption and there are still times the memories take my breath away with how difficult it was. May the Lord move mountains to bring your precious child home soon!

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  2. Oh Dearest...I remember doing the very same thing. As you are nesting, you could focus on bedding, towels, kids books about Haiti (we bought several board books w creole/english) Amazon is great for this,hair accessories...all things she will need, but won't outgrow. Praying for her and the rest of your family. Hang on....

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  4. StaN - Your misguided comments will not deter me, or many of the other parents who are in the process of adopting, or even those considering.

    Trolling blogs and posting hatred doesn't seem like a productive use of time. You might want to consider using your energy for something positive.

    I will pray for you.

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